Poker - it's just not cricket

Got right back into my cricket since I've been back in Brum, what a great game! On Sunday i played my first game in at least four years (first game of anything, that is) against a top side, Alvechurch. And the lack of match practice showed.... after just twenty three overs in the field i go down with cramp like a little girl. How?! It's only half way through the first fucking innings, and it's not as if I'd done much running either. Spent more time on my arse than on my feet trying to stop the hardest cricket ball known to man with my body. That was a mistake.

The innings finally finishes and i stumble off the pitch probably the most worn out I'd ever been. I took an easy catch and saved my fair share of boundaries, not a bad little session. One learned spectator described it as one of the best fielding performances he'd seen in his whole life. He was 123 years old. If that's true, excellent...

So, into bat, we're chasing 209 from our 45 overs against an average bowling attack. I optimistically say to our captain, my mate Ben, 'we've got half a chance here, haven't we?'.
'No, Nath, we haven't won a game all season' was his miserable response. What a skipper, what a team!

I'm due to bat at number five in the order so i just sit back, soak up the lovely sun and try to ignore the masses of blood dripping from my right knee. Opening batsmen are usually quite good so i don't expect to be in for a good while yet. This would give my legs ample rest before the run fest to come.

Seven minutes later I'm at the crease... what the fuck was our top order playing at? So, we'd lost some early wickets, the aim of the game now was to just stay in for a bit, then start pushing later on. We couldn't really afford to lose any more wickets this early. Solid forward defence is what's required here. First ball.... i try to smash it out of the park. I don't know what came over me. I missed the ball by a mile which, in turn, missed my stumps. The keeper missed it as well and so we took one 'bye'. Good cricket all round. This took me to the non-striker's end giving me a bit of time to think about what I'd done. The other lad batting has a right go at me, tells me to calm down. I say, 'oi, don't have a go at me, I've got a bad knee, you know?' Anyway, i settle down, hit a nice four and take a couple of easy runs and then the drinks break comes, a little early because of the ridiculous heat of the sun.

That's done the trick, back to the crease, re energised i decide to go against the plan - slog every ball out of sight. Saves on running. 'What can go wrong', i think. I take big swings at the first two balls after the break and completely miss. I connect with the third which spoons right up in the air and somehow finds the one fielder they've put on the off side. Bloody typical. One learned spectator said it was one of the unluckiest things he'd ever seen in his life. I returned to the clubhouse to what i can only assume was a sarcastic round of applause.

We lose the game, get dressed and go for a very undeserved pint. Whilst there i was asked if i fancied a game on Tuesday night. Quite flattered, i of course accepted. 'I can't have done that badly, then,' i thought. Turns out they were just very very short on players and were asking literally anyone they saw. Never mind, it was great fun and i was looking forward to another game during the week.

The next day it's fair to say i was slightly regretting having accepted the invitation. For i couldn't move my legs. Grazed elbow, scabby knee, hungover head were just three of the side affects of a day down the cricket club. I was struggling, and tomorrow i had to do it all over again.

Tuesday comes and i wake up feeling even stiffer than i did on Monday morning. How am i going to play cricket tonight? Figured it was only a twenty over match so couldn't really do any harm. I get there and it takes a good ten minutes of stretching before my legs feel anywhere near up to it. One learned spectator said it was the most thorough and bestest stretching he'd ever seen.

Pervert.

Fielding first again, i didn't really see much of the ball for much of the early stages. I was offered a bowl but given that the last time i tried was over four years ago, and even then i was consistently wayward, i politely declined. They got off to a smashing start with the bat, we dropped a tough catch to get rid of a danger man early on and he went on to score a very quick 19. We dropped another catch as they continued to just swing at every ball. I guess that's the way to play these short over games. I started to look forward to my bat. Licence to swing.

Mid way through the first innings we took a flurry of wickets, some good bowling and one of the catches of the century from my good self (closed my eyes and was lucky to hold on). One learned spectator...

Taking the catch sadly reopened Sunday's knee wound and it started to pour. But i guess that's a sacrifice one has to take when you're playing at the very top level of your sport...?

They set a target of 111, not a bad score, i think we did well to keep them that low really after their start, and we set about chasing it. Our openers looked very good early on, steady scoring, hard hitting from what looked like pretty quick bowling. I was due in at number six and was dreading the prospect. I finally get into bat and we need some runs. I had a big hitter at the other end so decided to just stick around. Unfortunately my defence is an absolute waste of space so i very quickly decide to go for broke again.

Some fella comes into bowl from a very short run up, so i expect spin, the ball comes flying out of his hand at some speed so i take a big swipe at it. It clips off the outside edge and the pace on the ball takes it to the boundary. Before the next ball was bowled I'd decided that i was going to hit it as hard as i could. Was just hoping it wasn't bowled directly at the stumps because it's very rare i actually hit one. It does come dead straight but luckily for i me i catch it perfectly, right out the middle. Hit it really hard..... right at the bowler. I saw the umpire scrambling out of the way and the bowler dived over to catch it. Fortunately his hands completely missed it, leaving him a lovely bruise on his chest. Looked very very painful. Next ball i smashed for four which didn't help him in his recovery i guess.

I stay in bat for a while longer, mainly swinging and missing, my mate Ben (who was playing for the opposition today) came on to bowl and i was really hoping to smash him about a bit, even though i knew this gave him a better chance of bowling me out. We needed runs so i just went for it. I faced about ten balls and scored one run... nothing more needs to be said about that really. Dismal.

It was an exciting finish to a brilliant game. We lost a few wickets in the penultimate over which left us with the tough ask of scoring 24 runs from the last over. Can't remember exactly what happened but i hit a four at some point and maybe one other so, on strike, i was left needing 12 runs from the last two balls to win! I knew i really didn't have the power but had a bloody good go at the second to last ball, came right up the pitch and took a huge swing.... missed completely, and was lucky not to be stumped. Can't remember the last ball, was too knackered.

So we lost the game but i was happy with my figures of 22 not out from 23 balls. Not quite enough but hopefully I'll get better with time. As i walked off the pitch i could suddenly feel the blood dripping down my leg again. Too much running. Got changed and cooled down and settled down with a pint of strongbow, weird choice, probably the loss of blood. As i sat i could feel the bruise on my thigh bruising right up from where i got hit when batting. Didn't make anything of it at the time because i didn't want to come across as being weak but i knew that was going to really hurt in the morning. As was everything else. What i needed was a big rest from cricket, and anything strenuous for that matter, for at least a week. No more doing anything for me thank you very much.

I have a couple of pints in the clubhouse and call it a night and head out of the club for a well earned and, with any luck, lengthy rest. But naturally, ever the wally, before leaving i agree to two more games at the weekend, 100 overs on Saturday and 90 on Sunday....

Yeah, very clever! I guess i just can't help myself.